Quit playing games with my heart

I can ejoy such games from time to time...
Well, I don't!
Then why are you playing them?
Because I don't know how to not play them...

Because I'm damaged, and I feel the need to protect myself. This is my way of protecting myself.
Because I've been hurt so many times.
Because I'm always the one that loves more, and I am so scared of getting hurt again that I end up pushing them away until they, too, leave and end up hurting me.
Circles never end.

Because it's easier to play games than to have the guts to speak your mind and ask for what you want just to risk finding out that your hopes were in vain. That you don't matter.
That you're just a game to them - they'll leave when the game ends.

Because when you're playing games you can still tell yourself that they're playing coy the same way you are because they're scared. Because they need a sign from you, a sign that you refuse to give them thinking you'd seem weak if you do.
You can still tell yourself they don't know how much they mean to you, that it's because they care that they are in this...

Because sometimes I start thinking that maybe I enjoy being hurt, being miserable - it's safe.
There's no lower point awaiting me.

Because whenever I have something good, whenever I built something that feels good, it doesn't feel right. It's like I'm waiting for it to cease and crush me. It just gives me something to worry about.

And I want to stop playing them, I want it so much, but you just won't let me and I don't want to let you go...

"Oh, but you're still so young"

I will hit the next person telling me "Oh, but you're so young". Seriously.

Yes, I'm young. Yes, most of my life is still ahead of me. Yes, I do realise that and I am really grateful for it, but don't treat me like I've been born yesterday.

I may be young - and by young I mean younger than you, according to the relative, arbitrary number-of-years-since-you've-been-born criteria, but that doesn't mean than I don't have feelings.
That doesn't mean I haven't grown attached to things and places and people. That doesn't make leaving them behind any easier.
My feelings are real and my mind is just as alive as my body is. Can you say the same thing about yours?

The fact that I'm young doesn't say anything about the things I've lost and the times I've been hurt, it doesn't make the scars on my mind or the deep cuts all over my soul go away.
Sometimes I feel so old... Trapped in a young body with soft skin and a perfect smile, I betray your eyes. What you get is not what you see, but I guess that's what you deserve if you're so eager to judge by appearences and label people you don't know anything about.

You may be older but that alone doesn't give you the right to be condescending - aren't you supposed to be wiser than that?

I'm sick of being looked down upon just because I am "young". It doesn't matter what I do or what I say or how smart I prove myself to be - I've been shoved into the "young" box and that label won't come off my forehead. Don't worry, that won't stop me. One day you'll be left wondering what hit you, calling it luck, ignoring the fact that I've been constantly getting better right in front of you.

You can treat me anyway you want and there's no way I can stop you - you won't see anything other than what you expect to see.

Just don't expect to get my respect by default because you're older.
The people I take seriously aren't categorized into age groups.

Note to self

Old places are haunted by memories... don't go back to a place you used to know unless you are ready to face your past.

That's why you left, isn't it? You could no longer live with all the faded smiles and broken promises surrounding you. Leaving them behind was easier than making new memories to overshine them.

The universe has a funny way of making you deal with the things that scare you...

It's a big city - so what?
There's only one person you need to avoid, hiding among 400.000 others - keep telling yourself that.
You can only run so far before you're pulled right back. Before your heart pulls you right back.

Unless your heart distances itself, unless your mind avoids to go there, physical distance will mean nothing.
It hurt you a long time ago, yet you can't let the wounds heal. Let the past go! Stop hurting yourself.
You want to get away? Go back. Face your past until it's no longer scary. Only then you'll be free to run and never look back...

There's no hurry anymore when all is said and done

I'm done with the girl I used to be.
I'm done with her hopes, her dreams, her loved ones, I'm done with her life. I've slowly given her up over the past year and I don't know whether it's a good or a bad thing but it's natural and it can't be undone.
I can't go back now.

I can't let myself get stuck in my own mind again, I have to move forward. This is my fresh start - I grew up. I had to.

My blog has been there for me when no one else was, through my hardest times, through the long nights when I couldn't call anyone because I couldn't let anyone in on my feelings.
It shows me where I started and where my path has taken me over the past 6 years. My whole adolescence is there, sometimes crypted, sometimes laid down in plain sight for anyone and everyone to read.
I still like to go back down memory lane, but I just don't identify with that girl anymore, so I guess my diary had to evolve too. It seemed natural to me to start a new story around the new girl.

This is where I start over.
There's only one day to start building the woman I want to be. Today.