Quit playing games with my heart

I can ejoy such games from time to time...
Well, I don't!
Then why are you playing them?
Because I don't know how to not play them...

Because I'm damaged, and I feel the need to protect myself. This is my way of protecting myself.
Because I've been hurt so many times.
Because I'm always the one that loves more, and I am so scared of getting hurt again that I end up pushing them away until they, too, leave and end up hurting me.
Circles never end.

Because it's easier to play games than to have the guts to speak your mind and ask for what you want just to risk finding out that your hopes were in vain. That you don't matter.
That you're just a game to them - they'll leave when the game ends.

Because when you're playing games you can still tell yourself that they're playing coy the same way you are because they're scared. Because they need a sign from you, a sign that you refuse to give them thinking you'd seem weak if you do.
You can still tell yourself they don't know how much they mean to you, that it's because they care that they are in this...

Because sometimes I start thinking that maybe I enjoy being hurt, being miserable - it's safe.
There's no lower point awaiting me.

Because whenever I have something good, whenever I built something that feels good, it doesn't feel right. It's like I'm waiting for it to cease and crush me. It just gives me something to worry about.

And I want to stop playing them, I want it so much, but you just won't let me and I don't want to let you go...